Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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