he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
