he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
