im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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