We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
