Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
