I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
