the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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