it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
