my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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