How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You're like the curious george of whores
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
