Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
