I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
