i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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