If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
