He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I deserve this hangover.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
