Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
