just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
