I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
