I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
