I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
