i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
