waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Randomize