sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
