Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
