I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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