I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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