New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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