Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
she looked like the before picture.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
