If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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