He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
