yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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