she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize