Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
