I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
