well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
