you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
