She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
