Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
