Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
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