If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
