There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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