Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
