Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
She swung at the pinata with crutches
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
