WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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