My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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