well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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