yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
