Will you blow on my dice?
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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