I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
