just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
