wrigley field is MILF paradise
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Randomize
