Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
