We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
