I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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