yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Randomize
