She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
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