Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
