i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm just crazy horny about you
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
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