There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
