but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
